Kray Kellogg, my high school crush, remembers who I am. 

When I was a freshman in high school there was this senior named Kray. We met in ROTC. He was one of my commanders. He was (and still is) one of the most attractive guys I had ever seen in my life. I had the biggest crush on him and the whole class - practically the whole school - knew it. I honestly didn't think that after 5 years he would still remember who I was. We never got to know each other, because I was always too scared to actually try to be his friend. But he still remembers me. I'm shocked. 

See, Kray went into the airforce after he graduated from high school. We talked a couple of times after that, but it was never anything big. Always just stuff like "hey, tell chief that I did this" or "tell colonel I did that". I was his messenger - the person that was always telling his old teachers what he was up to. I missed seeing his face every day, and I often wrote poems about how proud I was of him or how much I missed seeing him at school. 

Anyways, well, a couple of weeks ago Jared comes to me and says "Kray's coming to town". My jaw dropped. My heart skipped a beat. I freaked out. But I didn't think he would actually remember me. There's just something about getting news about someone that you used to like that makes you all giddy - as if that news actually effects you in some way. When I found out that Jared was going to be hanging out with Kray, I thought about asking him if he could bring me along one night, but I knew that they would be hanging out with old friends from their graduating class, and I didn't want to be the tag-along little kid that I had been in high school. So I left it alone. 

After a few days I found Kray on Jared's facebook and added him. But I didn't say anything to him because I was scared that he'd be like "who the fuck is this chick?" Then, today, he went to my formspring and asked me a question, so, I asked him one back. I asked if he remembered who I was and he said "I do lol why do you think I asked you a question?" That, of course, made me smile instantly. And now we're just talking about how I should have gotten to know him in high school because he's a lot of fun and how I was too scared to talk to him because I had that crush on him. 

Honestly, I never thought that I'd hear from Kray again. But I'm really glad that I did. I really hope that he and I can be friends, now that we're out of high school and I'm not so scared to talk to him anymore. I just can't believe that this is actually happening. lol.

 

Oh, he did say something to me tonight that really stuck. "the people you think you never made an impression with are always the ones that will let you know you did later on down the line". I never thought about that... but I guess it's true. I just wish I had made a different kind of impression with Kray. I'd rather not be remembered as the girl that had the big crush on him in high school. But, as long as he remembers me, I guess it's all okay. :) 

I really don't know how to start this blog. I don't know how to say what I need to say without sounding like some stupid, flighty, boycrazy, indecisive girl. I don't want to be that girl, and I don't want to be perceived as that girl, because I'm NOT that girl. The first thing you have to understand is that there are a lot of guys in my life. You have to understand that there are a few of those guys to whom I've found myself attracted. You have to understand that every one of those guys has let me down at some point, and some of them let me down a lot more than others.
You have to understand that, with me, liking a boy & loving a boy are two totally different things, and I know when I like someone and when I love someone. The last thing you need to know is that, when it comes to boys, I don't have a better judgement. I rely, very heavily, on my friends to help me decide which guy is right for me, and which guy I should just leave alone. Every single time, though, I end up doing what I want to do, and, 9 times out of 10, I get hurt.

All that being said, I have a very difficult decision to make, and it has two parts to it.

I don't recall whether or not I told you that Jared moved to Dallas last week. When he told me that he was leaving - that he was moving to Dallas to live with his girlfriend, and that he thought that they were going to be together forever, that he wanted to marry her and he wanted her to have his children - I was happy for him. But, like I've already told you before, there's always been that small part of me that has hoped that I still had a chance with him. When he told me that this girl was "the one", I gave up on that hope. But the night before he left, he snuck out of his dad's house to spend his last night in town with me, his best friend, and we had an amazing time together. We walked to the store to buy his cigarettes, and then we walked back, and on the way we picked up some balloons that were floating down the street. We came home, drew faces on our "balloon family" and listened to music. We talked about how much we would both miss our midnight excursions and we talked about the fact that I would have to find someone else to start hanging out with that I could have that much fun with, but we both knew that there's no one else that either of us could hang out with and, literally, do nothing and have the kind of good time that we had together.
Needless to say, after he left my house that night, I did a lot of thinking. That night, I realized that the feelings that I still had for Jared were a lot stronger than I thought. I didn't know what to do, or think, about it, but what I did know was that he would be leaving the next morning to move to Dallas to be with the girl that he loved. I figured it would be best if I just left it alone, and forgot about it. I wanted us to stay friends, to stay close, but I didn't want to say anything about my feelings, because Jared was happy.
Three nights ago, I was on Stickam with him. We were private messaging and his girlfriend was asleep on the bed next to him. He told me that he was coming home, on Sunday. He said that he couldn't do it anymore, and he'd explain EVERYTHING when he saw me. The next day he texts me saying that he has got to get out of Dallas, that night, and asks if there's any way that I can come get him. So I called around to a few friends, and I got my friend, Ryan, to drive me to Dallas to pick Jared up. The whole way there, I was excited because I knew that Jared was coming home. The minuet I saw him, I started doing happy dances. He was stoked that I had come to get him, and I was happy that I could be the one to bring him back.
That night, Jared spent the night at my house. We had a great time, hanging out, watching movies, talking to people on Stickam. We were having so much fun. At around 3:00 am, he went to take some of his things to my room. We were both pretty tired, so he laid down in my bed. He texted me about 10 minuets later saying "your bed is really comfy." I walked to my room, looked at him and said "I know it is." We talked for a minuet, with me standing there beside my bed, and him laying in it. Then he asked me if I would care to join him. For a minuet we just laid there, side by side, both half asleep, then he rolled over, and put an arm around me. After a few minuets of laying like that, he pulled me closer to him and actually started holding me. Then, he kissed me.
It's been eight months since I've kissed Jared. Eight long months of me pretending that I didn't still have feelings for him. Eight long months of being his friend, and nothing else. But that kiss... It left me breathless, just like the last one, and I knew right then that my feelings for Jared were as strong as ever.
I don't want to sound like a tramp, but before the morning was over, Jared and I were having sex. I'm not going to go into detail, but what I am going to say is this: y'know how they always say that when a girl loses her virginity she develops that attachment to the guy that took it? Y'know how I told you that I didn't get that with Micah? Well, I don't know why, but I got it with Jared. Maybe it's because I knew that Micah and I were just fucking, that he didn't have any kind of feelings for me that could ever make it anything more than that. Maybe because Micah and I were drunk. I don't know. But for some reason, after having sex with Jared, he's all I've been able to think about. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I had already realized that I still had feelings for him, or if it was because of the fact that we had sex. I don't know much of anything right now.
What I do know is this: Jared and I are best friends. When we're together, I smile constantly, when we're apart & I start thinking about him, it makes me so happy. I know that he hates being in Louisiana and his plan is that he wants to move to California asap, that's the same as my plan. I hate it when he leaves the state because I hate not seeing him. I hate the possibility that he might not be coming back. I hate that every time he leaves, it feels like he's gone for good.

Here's where part one of my decision comes in.
Do I tell Jared that I still have feelings for him? I've been wrestling with the idea of sitting him down and telling him exactly how I feel. I've been thinking about telling him that the reason that I got so attached so quickly last time was because I was trying to transfer my leftover feelings for Scott to someone else, and that I thought he might be the right guy, and that's what led to him breaking up with me. And even though I'm really attached to him now, he doesn't know it, and he doesn't have to. I can hide it really well.
So do I tell him, or don't I? Do I have that conversation with him, or do I just sit back and wait for him to find yet another girl in yet another part of the country, and leave yet again? Jared's an amazing guy. He makes me smile all the time, and I have never had so much fun with a person without doing much of anything. I've never been able to hang out with someone & not feel awkward at all, knowing how much I like them. And my feelings for him are so intense that I can't really imagine holding them in. But I have to decide what's more important - telling him how I feel & risk losing one of the best friends I've ever had, or keeping it to myself and always wondering what might have been?
I can't imagine my life without Jared. I really can't. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about him leaving, and us growing apart. I don't want to think about him falling in love with a girl, getting married, and not talking to me anymore. I just want him to be a part of my life, and I want to feel the way I felt when he was holding me the other night. I've not felt that way with a guy in forever.

Part two of my decision:
Olin. I told you how I feel about Olin. I've had intensely strong feelings for Olin for years now, and I thought that this was finally my chance to have him. We've talked about it, and us being together sounded like the perfect idea. Olin is going to be in town in 2 days. There's a possibility that when I see Olin I'll be able to stop thinking about Jared. There's a possibility that having him where I can actually hold him for a second, and talk to him, and be around him for a little while, will make me forget that I feel the way I do about Jared. But then, there's the possibility that it won't.
Part of me wants to hold off on trying to talk to Jared until AFTER I see Olin. But part of me wants to talk to him right now. The fact that Jared still leaves me breathless, the fact that, when I kiss him my mind goes completely blank, the fact that I can't seem to think of anyone but him - definitely discourages me from wanting to be with Olin. But the fact that I've had feelings for Olin for so much longer makes me want to just put Jared on the back burner and forget about my feelings for him completely.

Shawn says that I need to calm down & give this whole thing a break. That I need to stop worrying about guys so much. But I don't want to. I want to make my decision. I want to have one or the other.
Actually, I want Jared. But I don't know how to make that happen.
I'm really confused right now. I want to know what I should do. I need to know what I should do.